Friday, December 5, 2008

Cycling Nutrition 101: The Gummy Category

So, riding time is back again. . .and you need some energy. Let's see, power bar, cliff bar, gels. . .naw, that's all for in season. It's winter, you need better energy.

You need some gummies.

But there are too many different kinds of gummies, which kind should you eat? What will give you the most amount of energy?

There's a simple rule for the relationship between the type of gummy and how much energy you get from them. The faster the real life equivalent of the gummy can eat you, the more energy you'll get from said gummy.

So, let's analyze gummies in order of least to most amount of energy it will give you.

Gummy peaches
Have you ever heard of somebody being eaten by a peach? No, neither have I. Maybe somebody sat under a peach tree one time and a peach fell on them and hurt them. But if that were the case, they were weak anyway, probably the type of person who uses their shirt to open doorknobs or pushes doors open with their elbow.

Gummy Worms
Yes, you can get eaten by worms. But you pretty much have to be dead or in a coma to be eaten by a worm. Anybody with the ability to exhale air or move their hands has the ability to defend themselves against a worm attack. Even a newborn baby can defeat a hoard of worms and would probably eat the real life equivalent of the worm. Gummy worms are NOT good for getting cycling energy

Gummy Bears
All right, now we're getting somewhere. Bears can kill you, right? Well, more thank likely if you are walking through the woods and you see a bear it will run away from you. This is actually great date material. If you're on a date with a girl, go for a hike and look for a bear. Yell at it, and it will run away and you'll look like a hero. And if the bear does decide to attack, you are more than likely faster than your girlfriend. . . no one will ever know.
Bears will attack if you step between the cub and mother. So, if you want to get energy from gummy bears, buy a bag of smaller and a bag of larger bears. This will simulate the mother-cub scenario and give you lots more energy.

Gummy Sharks
Sharks, they can smell blood from 25 miles away. If you watched and believed the plot of Jaws 2, they can swim faster than a commercial jet to track a family that moved from New Jersey to the Caribbean. They don't need arms, they don't need legs, they are basically just swimming sets of teeth that poop pale white vacationers. Sharks will kill you very quick, but there's only one problem. If you don't go into the water. . .they can't get you (well, I guess that's not much of a problem).

So, how do you improve the killing ability of a shark to get more energy on the bike?

Gummy Bearshark!
Half Gummy Bear, half Gummy Shark. It can swim, it can run, it can climb trees, and it can even pick locks. There is no outrunning, outswimming, or outsmarting it. It's the only gummy animal that if it were real could destroy liberty.

Now, I'd like to see this fight and more research might be needed, but the winner of this is:

Gummy Dinosaurs

There might need to be a major motion picture to decide this fate. But I think dinosaurs could beat Bearshark in a fight. How did I get to this? Point, we are getting weaker all the time. 100 years ago people would raise cows as pets, strangle those pets with their bare hands, and eat the raw meat right off their hands. . .and those were the women. Dinosaurs lived 65 million years ago. If the scale of toughness extends that far back, then dinosaurs were indeed the toughest animals ever, they could kill you the fastest, and the gummy equivalent will give you the most amount of energy on the bike.

Now, if Gummy Dinosaurs all of a sudden appear on the UCI banned list next year then you know they read my post. And you'll see cyclists being thrown out of the Tour next year swearing they thought it was Gummy Worms in the bag.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Caye Caulker - Go Slow

I'm down spending 10 days in Caye Caulker on the off part of my off season. The official motto of the island (35 miles off the coast of Belize) is "Go Slow" and they like to remind you of that all over.
Tonight and last night I ate at a restaurant that literally consists of a grill, a tiki hut, and a few benches on the beach. You can't beat the deals, 3 free drinks, 2 lobster tails, rice, potatoes, and a free dessert for 25 dollars Belize (12.50 US). Couple that with the accommodations and the fact that there are no cars (only golf carts) on the entire island and you have the perfect retreat.

Now the only tough part will be coming back home away from the 80 degrees every day, but I can't wait to start big time winter base training.

view from the apartment
Dinner tonight, being cooked right next to us
And some much needed R&R, life is good!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

How to fly your bike for free (and go to hell)

Ok, so when I first started racing, taking a bike on a plane would cost about 40 dollars. I can see that being fair, especially with the size of my bike bag. But lately, the cost has been going up by over 25 dollars per year. On Delta now, taking a bike on board will set you back a cool 150 dollars. . .each way! In most cases, that is more than the actual ticket.

The stupid thing is, my bike bag is usually my only piece of checked baggage, and the size of just my bike bag is a LOT smaller than if I were to bring two suitcases full of stuff on board (which would only be an extra 25 dollars).

So, I devised a plan to get your bike on the plane for free. The first thing you'll need is one of these bags.
There is no place on this bag that says it's a bicycle, which is good because if there was a picture of a bicycle on it you would notice the herds of airline counter help tripping over each other in an attempt to add surcharges. You can buy this bag for about 150 dollars, and so if this trick works it will pay for itself in one trip.

Next, go to an embroidery shop. You will need to make a cloth patch that can be embroidered onto the bag. This should set you back 20-30 dollars or so. Have them embroider this logo onto the bag.
Can you see where the going to hell part of this in coming into play?

So, you walk up to the counter. You might be greeted by the usual "Is that a bicycle, is it a bike? Hey, can we charge extra for that? I got a bike! Hey Frank, get your rubber gloves and vasoline for this guy. He's got a bike!" But you just tell them "This is a wheelchair. I work for a non-profit organization and we provide hi-tech wheelchairs to Special Olympic athletes across the country. I am bringing this wheelchair to an event in Philly this weekend."

Now, here's what happens. Airline counter help is much like the Grinch at Christmas. It may never show, but they all have a heart somewhere in their bodies. If you have to carry a picture in your wallet showing the joy of a child winning the Special Olympics on your wheelchair, go for it. But you have to somehow pry through years of anger issues to reach these people who are slowly being replaced by vending machines. Also, bribing them with Xanax might help.

One other trick that might work is to email somebody at the corporation and explain to them that your bike is your only checked bag and it's smaller than when people check two bags. And since it takes up less room and is lighter than two bags, can you please only charge me the fee for one extra bag?

And of course, the corporation will email you back with a giant "eff you", and they might even send you a picture of them banging hookers in their swimming pools filled with Evian water. But then you take that email, edit their response to say that they appreciate you being a longtime customer and of course they would be happy to accomodate your needs in order to bring you fair service. Then you print that revised email out and show it to the counter help.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Cook Out

Cook Out. For all you not familiar with this restaurant, let me explain. Imagine God himself decided to open a fast food place, with chicken and burgers and milkshakes, and plop it down along ghettos everywhere near I-85. Yes, this is Cook Out. And if you don't mind ordering your food at one window while drug deals are being made at the next, this is the best fast food you can buy.

My weapon of choice? The grilled cajun sandwich. . . platter. It's a grilled chicken breast, covered in cajun seasoning, doused with Texas Pete and ranch sauce, and placed on a whitebread hamburger bun that you can buy in the supermarket. Add and order of freshly made fries and a large Sprite. That sounds like a tasty meal, too bad it's going to set you back around 7 bucks, right?

WRONG!! Total price. $4.26

They don't have Cook Outs in Greenville, SC. But there are a couple in the Charlotte area, where I have spent my entire week while going around circles in the dark. By the time we are done racing and get out of there, all reputable restaurants have closed. This is when Cook Out gets going, and I would be lying to you if I told you that I haven't eaten here every night for the past 4 nights. But it's not a problem. . .I can quit going there any time. It's not like I need it or anything.

Then again, it is only 2am and a milkshake sounds pretty good right about now.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Corbin, Kentucky

Is the home of O'Mally's eatery and pub. Home of he Friday night all you can eat seafood buffet (no I didn't), a waitress with two black eyes, and many overweight patrons. As Joey eloquantly said "There's not a single girl in here that I would do."

And that says a lot.

sent from the Tilt
Boyd Johnson

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Windiest race ever

Well, maybe not ever. But it was pretty damn windy today. Thad was 2nd and won the overall for the wekend.

sent with the Tilt
Boyd Johnson

Saturday, April 26, 2008

I think the rule is win=update

Well, I got my first win of the year after coming close a few times. It was State Championship crit down in Charleston, SC. Dead flat course with no real corners meant this race was always going to come down to a field sprint, although for a little while I thought the break I was in was going to go the distance. I was sitting at the back of the break because it was determined before the race that I was to just sit in and wait for the sprint. We also had Torsten in there and I was having him work, but the break itself wasn't working that great.

We get caught with just over a lap to go, but because I was sitting on I was still feeling fresh. Cue up Thad to do what Thad does best, sit on the front for the entire last lap (1 mile) and string out that pack like a runway model. Torsten took over with 400 meters to go (even though he had been working in the break for the past 7 laps), and he gave me a clear shot on the right side. It was really close, but the bike throw (as you can see) got me the win by about a quarter of a wheel.

Next big race is US Air Force Open, it's a big UCI race and I am feeling really good so hopefully I can pull out a big result there.

Monday, April 14, 2008

So, I have been telling everybody this story

In the criterium at Chattanooga this past weekend, I was just hanging out on the last lap. I wasn't going for a stage win or anything, just trying to stay close to the front and out of trouble. There was a crash with half a lap to go and I was right behind it. Grabbed a fistful of brakes and was coming to a stop on my front wheel. . .but not quick enough. I was not going to be able to stop before hitting the guy on the ground in front of me.

So, at the last second I unclip both my pedals, leap from my bike (still balancing on the front wheel), and jump over my handlebars, over the guy in front of me, and land on my feet running. I kept on my feet only putting one hand on the ground to keep my balance.

The bike got a little scratch on the seattube, but this was the luckiest "crash" I have ever escaped from. Now, if only somebody got it on video it'd make a great youtube video.

Friday, April 11, 2008

I love Atlanta

Only 25 minutes estimated time for us to drive the next 8 miles.

sent with the new AT&T Tilt
Boyd Johnson

Saturday, March 29, 2008

The cookie ride today

Was cold, rainy, and at times miserable. Descending in a downpour at 40 degrees was about 3500th on the list of things I wanted to do today. Climbing Caesars Head was nice though, mainly because it was warm.

sent with the new AT&T Tilt

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Cookie Rides

Assault on the Carolinas

I love cookie rides! I live right in the mountains, there are races all over the place, but promoters don't dare put on climbing races. The turnout is always low, it's hard to get all the categories organized, and getting all those roads closed is a nightmare.

So, hop on down to a cookie ride. . .a lot of the racers show up. They aren't afraid to go hard because if you get dropped, who cares. Plus. . .cookies!!

Who doesn't love a good cookie or dozen after a hard ride. Come on out.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Ignore this

I just want to see if I can post from the tilt.

You're not a real pro. . .

until you have a blog that gets read by dozens of fans and gets 2-3 comments. Yes, I just fell into the 7th layer of internet hell. No, I still don't have a Facebook or Myspace.