Cycling Nutrition 101: The Gummy Category

So, riding time is back again. . .and you need some energy. Let's see, power bar, cliff bar, gels. . .naw, that's all for in season. It's winter, you need better energy.

You need some gummies.

But there are too many different kinds of gummies, which kind should you eat? What will give you the most amount of energy?

There's a simple rule for the relationship between the type of gummy and how much energy you get from them. The faster the real life equivalent of the gummy can eat you, the more energy you'll get from said gummy.

So, let's analyze gummies in order of least to most amount of energy it will give you.

Gummy peaches
Have you ever heard of somebody being eaten by a peach? No, neither have I. Maybe somebody sat under a peach tree one time and a peach fell on them and hurt them. But if that were the case, they were weak anyway, probably the type of person who uses their shirt to open doorknobs or pushes doors open with their elbow.







Gummy Worms
Yes, you can get eaten by worms. But you pretty much have to be dead or in a coma to be eaten by a worm. Anybody with the ability to exhale air or move their hands has the ability to defend themselves against a worm attack. Even a newborn baby can defeat a hoard of worms and would probably eat the real life equivalent of the worm. Gummy worms are NOT good for getting cycling energy





Gummy Bears
All right, now we're getting somewhere. Bears can kill you, right? Well, more thank likely if you are walking through the woods and you see a bear it will run away from you. This is actually great date material. If you're on a date with a girl, go for a hike and look for a bear. Yell at it, and it will run away and you'll look like a hero. And if the bear does decide to attack, you are more than likely faster than your girlfriend. . . no one will ever know.
Bears will attack if you step between the cub and mother. So, if you want to get energy from gummy bears, buy a bag of smaller and a bag of larger bears. This will simulate the mother-cub scenario and give you lots more energy.




Gummy Sharks
Sharks, they can smell blood from 25 miles away. If you watched and believed the plot of Jaws 2, they can swim faster than a commercial jet to track a family that moved from New Jersey to the Caribbean. They don't need arms, they don't need legs, they are basically just swimming sets of teeth that poop pale white vacationers. Sharks will kill you very quick, but there's only one problem. If you don't go into the water. . .they can't get you (well, I guess that's not much of a problem).

So, how do you improve the killing ability of a shark to get more energy on the bike?






Gummy Bearshark!
Half Gummy Bear, half Gummy Shark. It can swim, it can run, it can climb trees, and it can even pick locks. There is no outrunning, outswimming, or outsmarting it. It's the only gummy animal that if it were real could destroy liberty.
















Now, I'd like to see this fight and more research might be needed, but the winner of this is:


Gummy Dinosaurs

There might need to be a major motion picture to decide this fate. But I think dinosaurs could beat Bearshark in a fight. How did I get to this? Point, we are getting weaker all the time. 100 years ago people would raise cows as pets, strangle those pets with their bare hands, and eat the raw meat right off their hands. . .and those were the women. Dinosaurs lived 65 million years ago. If the scale of toughness extends that far back, then dinosaurs were indeed the toughest animals ever, they could kill you the fastest, and the gummy equivalent will give you the most amount of energy on the bike.

Now, if Gummy Dinosaurs all of a sudden appear on the UCI banned list next year then you know they read my post. And you'll see cyclists being thrown out of the Tour next year swearing they thought it was Gummy Worms in the bag.